Balance is not easy!

Balance, it something we strive for in the 21st century and it something I am striving for in my walk with God. I must admit to you now I have one of those personalities that are all or nothing, which is why I struggle with balance in my walk with God. I know that I need to have a health balance of God and being connected to people but, I tend to do one or the other.

I love God and nothing is better than sitting at His feet listening to Him and understanding His love for me, I tend to put on my favourite worship music and this is where I rest and relax with my Father. I live for this but, I am human and since I have become a Christian I find it hard to mix with people on a social level, old friend don’t invite me out any more because I’m not the same person I was, and I choose not to drink because I want to keep my focus on thing above. I don’t mix with people my own age in a christian setting as they have all grown up in the church and I don’t seem to quite fit in as I don’t do church, I do Jesus. I don’t understand the act that they put on, the one that says life is great when anyone with an ounce of discernment can see that it’s not. I struggle with Christians my age because God doesn’t seem to be the centre of their life, that the Monday to Friday 9 to 5 seems to be all they want. Which is not wrong as God calls us all in different ways, we need Christians to be in the 9 to 5 jobs so we can share the love of God in the work place, schools and where ever we are.

So I am at that point in my walk where I feel alone, Yes, feel alone and I know I am never alone I have Jesus. Which is all you really need but even He had people around Him, who He shared His life with and walked the highs and lows with.

I am so blessed to have a few friends who understand me, one dear friend who knew me before Jesus and still loves me, we talk about faith and I get to share where I am now. I have one friend who is 5 years younger than me, she is a mighty woman of God and whom will do wonderful things for Him. She keeps me grounded and explains that its normal to be like this and we grow in our faith together. Thank you dear friend you know who you are and I am so blessed to have you walking along side me. Then I have been extremely blessed to have a Mother and Father in God who support me, my Mother is the worship leader at our church and the friend is her daughter. She shows me that it ok to not have it all together and as long as I keep my eye on God and my heart pure then things will work out. My Father in Christ is a man who text me with bible verses, understands when I need to be alone and grabs a coffee with me the same day because He knows I need to talk. We have a great relationship and we help one another through this thing we call life, he has so much wisdom and he’s real with it he never pretends that things are great and we walk the highs and lows together. It’s thanks to Him that I am writing this blog and sharing my thoughts and faith about Jesus. It because of these people I can be comfortable sharing my faith and I want to thank you all for accepting me as I am, I hope that I can bless you all as much as you have blessed me.

Why is it that I struggle with balancing God and life. I struggle because I feel like I’m missing out, I am the one now who sits in on a Saturday night either with God or occasionally Netflix (no chill). I get asked by people did you have a good weekend and I reply normal how about you? Then I hear about their life, children, grandchildren going out with friends. But my normal isn’t normal for most people I enjoy sitting with God and reading my bible, talking to Him and sharing my heart.

There has been many occasions over the last three years I have cried myself to sleep because I feel alone, I don’t get invited out and I feel like I am missing my life. I feel like I don’t quite fit in anywhere and whats the point of it all, is it worth it in the end? Yes, I have a petty party and wallow in it, not for long but my feelings take over.

I know this walk with God is better than any party I had before I was saved but it doesn’t make it any easier. Sometimes it makes it worse because you hear all about what people are up to and you have this urge to join in. I have tried this and when I’m there I do feel like a fish out of water because I don’t want to be picked up at the bar, I don’t want to dance to music that promoting all the wrong things, I don’t want to get drunk and lose myself in a feeling that will only feel worse tomorrow. I want to be drunk in the Spirit.

So, why do I feel like I’m missing out, why is it I feel like I should be doing all of these things to be normal. Its called social media, I see pictures of fun nights out, everyone looking great. It’s minus the sick, minus the sore feet and feeling like death after a night of drinking. It’s because we live in a world where we only see the highlights, we only get told the good bits in life. We never get told the bad bits like been stuck in town at 2:30 in the morning waiting for a taxi trying to walk in high heels then giving up and taking them off, standing in the freezing cold hearing the sounds of vomiting and shrill laughter because people have gone to far.

I find that this isn’t just stuck on social media it’s all around us, it when we are at work, at church and with friends, ok not the friends that have seen you with no makeup, hair a mess and you have pyjama parties with. I’m talking about the friends you keep around who you have to be perfect for, the ones you try to impress because you never quite feel good enough for. The one you secretly hope will accept you.

We need to stop this now! Right now! We are shaping our children and people around us not to be honest and that life needs to be a mountain top experience. Well it’s not, we all have valleys, sometimes deep valleys, so deep you wonder if you should pitch a tent and get comfortable because you can’t see a way out.

This is not what is needed for anyone to be balanced, we need honest conversations. We need to share when things are bad and offer support. We need to be what Jesus called us to be, we need to spread love and light. How can we expect people to want to follow us if we are not honest with ourselves and with each other. That when we go to church on a Sunday morning and put on a show saying we are fine when we are not. We are called to be disciples of Jesus. We are called to love one another, how can you truly love someone when you don’t know them. If we only have surface relationships with people we are missing the mark of what we are called to be, we need to have compassion for people and truly want to help them out there valleys not help them pitch their tent because we show them something they can’t live up to. We need to support people, especially new believers who are struggling to relate to this new life, that see us with our baggage and wonder if they were better off before. That see us pretending to be all put together and are secretly thinking that being a Christian is too much work and that life before was easy because they were accepted as they were, no pretence need.

What I am trying to get across is that we need balance, time with God so we can be what He has called us to be, but also time in the world so we can relate to people in it. Jesus spent His time with sinners not Rabbi’s, or temple leaders. He spent it with people of this world, but He also spent time alone with His Father praying and seeking guidance. We are called to do the same but we need to be grounded in God, be honest to people about where we are in our walk. The good, the bad and the in-between where you question it all. This is where you grow and learn who you are, who you should have round you and what you have faith in. I know I struggle with this and I am thankful for all the people who are honest because we share life together, these are the people I want round me. I need these people around me to guide me and shape me, we walk this life together and it makes us stronger.

I want to thank you for reading this and I want to pray that this has helped you in some way, that you find a balance in your life. I pray that you fix your eyes on Jesus and understand that it’s ok not to have it together all the time, its ok to need help and to ask for it. I pray you find peace and people who will share life with you, who will help you along this journey. God bless you all.

My walk with God

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