People say “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” and I’ve come to the conclusion that its true. There might be times where you come pretty close to all you can bear, but it hasn’t killed you and we’re still standing. We are victorious and not defeated by all the things sent to destroy us.
I’m writing this because my past is something that had a lot of power over me but not now. I’m not saying that I don’t still have the scars and that I’m not affected by my past but I’ve learnt to deal with it and come to a place where I hand it over to God. I’ve had three people in my life that have impacted my life and not in a good way, I’m not writing this because I’m angry or bitter. I’m writing this because I can finally talk about it without hurt, anger or resentment eating away at me. My past no longer defines me and this is because Jesus healed me, He took some awful memories away and showed me what true love is. I know this might be hard for some people to read and I know some of you will relate to this and I just hope that this helps someone start the process of recovery, forgiveness and healing.
Person number one I met when I was a Fifteen, I was a very naive. I was the geeky kid that liked to play video games and read on a Friday nights, not go out and get drunk. I met this person who was older, He was cool and He liked me! plus he was older by five years. I was teased by boys my own age! but he noticed me, I fell for him hard. We spent the rest of my teenage years together, gradually I disappeared! I didn’t want to go to college or university because I believed him when he said I wasn’t cleaver enough. Even though I pasted all my GCSEs with grade C or higher. The few friends I had, I wasn’t allowed to see them and I was scared to argue because I loved him and believed him when he said no one else would love me like he did. My life revolved around him and things were good for a short while. Then I started to hide things from my parents like the fact that I had underage sex with this man, I was frightened to eat and put weight on because he loved me how I was and the most scary thing was I was hiding bruises. I gradually lost my voice and would just be so miserable that I wanted to sit on my own and cry, I didn’t know how to talk about this with anyone. I became isolated and withdrew from everyone even my loving family. It was easier to go along with his ways and ideas even when I didn’t want to because no didn’t mean anything to him, physically he was stronger and I was scared of what would happen, so I stopped saying no and went along with everything he wanted. What saved me was him leaving me, he found someone younger to repeat this process with. I then cut my hair short and for years after kept it short because I was dragged around by my hair like a dog. Physical abuse breaks all your trust of yourself and your ability to read people because how can you love someone like that.
Person number two I met after this relationship. He was kind and gentle and he was the complete opposite to all the above. He never raise his fist or shouted but he was very good with back-handed comments. He gradually took what little confidence I gained and walked all over it. His idea of a woman was they are meant to be in the kitchen and produce babies nothing more. If I were American I would call him a Hick, he’s a bigot who was against anything that isn’t English, white and I can picture him with the English defence league. The problem with this relationship is I moved in with him and I was to proud to back out of this because I had invested so much time and money into this relationship. I finally left and I’m so glad I did because I would have been a baby making, dish washing 1940’s housewife with no say of my life. I learnt never to take anyone at face value and to be wary of people.
Person number three, I didn’t think I could have found anyone who could have treated me worse than the last two but we always save the best till last. They say love is blind and with the guy it was. I moved in with him, funded most of our dating life because I was working at a better job and he was always going to do better just never could catch a break. He was a liar and will always be a liar, he would spin fabricated lies and use sob stories to make you feel for him. I know this person stole money out of my bank account and I’m not talking a few pound I talking hundreds, He used my credit card and left me in thousands of pounds worth of debt. When I finally realised that he was stealing money from me and changed all my cards, passwords and asked him about it he said we should try again because he loved me and it would never happen again. What I didn’t know at the time was he was sizing up his next mark to replace me because he needs someone to fund him, He stared to cheat on me and I didn’t know this until I spoke to my neighbours, whilst I was out working he was cheating on me. I then called him out and moved back home but not before he lost his temper and punched the wall and went to hit me and I knew I couldn’t stay with him. I had more respect for myself than to let all that happen again. I learnt not to trust my heart and words from people but to go by their actions.
I know you’ve read this and thought how stupid could someone be to go through all of this over a thirteen year period, I sometimes ask myself that question now. It’s makes me angry when I hear about abuse and people flippantly say the woman should leave, unless you’ve lived it you don’t know what its like. It’s not easy to walk away and admit to people whats been done to you, what you let someone do to you. It’s even harder to forgive yourself for letting that happen to you, so next time please think before you speak.
I was looking for love and acceptance, I had a hole that needed to be filled and I though that a man could fill it, I thought that physical love could fill it but I was wrong. What completed me and filled that hole was Jesus. I never knew what I was searching for until I found Him, He completed me and He’s helped me over the last three years get over this. Am I there yet? No! Will I ever be there? I’m not sure but I trust God to guide me and help me. I even have long hair now which is something I never had because it reminded me of so many bad memories. I now finally know what love is and its Jesus. He saved me from a life of abuse and He’s turned it round so I’m stronger. I now know I’m not defeated and this past doesn’t define me and I can use it for His glory. I hope that this helps you in some way and that if you are going through this please speak to someone and ask for help. God bless you.