Sick and tired.

It all started when I turned 32. I had a great day with my Indonesian family, I spoke to my family in England and everything was good. Well until doubts started to creep into my mind about being 32 and not having a family of my own, being single and just being alone. I was physically never alone because I was surrounded by my family here in Indonesia, but to see them all with there family wasn’t making these feeling any better, in fact it was making it worse.

I was very depressed and I questioned if I was doing the right thing being here in Indonesia, if what I heard from God was true. This lead to me spending my day working in the ministry and sleeping straight after, I felt physically and emotional drained. I had a headache that would not go away, it lasted for about two weeks and I just felt like I was on auto pilot. I still read the bible, prayed and worshiped but my heart wasn’t searching for God. I was in the middle of a pity party.

I spoke with a wise friend who always gives me great advice because they know me and I trust there opinion. He sent me some amazing advice which helped me to engage my faith. I explained to him that I felt like I had shifted my focus from coming to God because I love Him, to now coming to Him begging for things to change in my life. He shared a lot about his past struggles and I took his advice to heart. I want to thank you Phil for being an amazing friend and Spiritual Father who guides and teaches me through my walk with God. I am truly thankful for you and your family I thank God everyday for your friendship.

I found a quite place before God and cried over everything that was happening, my feelings, my dreams and the emptiness I felt inside. I asked Him to forgive me because I was coming to Him to get my dreams, for all the things my heart longed for. I wasn’t seeking His face. I lost connection to my Heavenly Father, I forgot to worship Him because of who He is and not what I want. I forgot to spend time with Him just because I love Him. I forgot Matthew 6:33 “Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.”

I still had the headache and was exhausted even though I was back to seeking God so I went to the doctors and had a blood test and they found out I had high cholesterol, which is something I have never had. It knocked me off my feet! I then was given medicine to help to lower the cholesterol. I then decided to fast and pray because I just didn’t like that my body and emotions where all over the place. I spoke with God and decided to do the Daniel fast until I actually reconnected with Him.

I didn’t tell anyone I was sick in England and that I felt like I was walking in a black fog, this was something I needed to deal with on my own. I know that I was bordering the edge of depression and feeling alone didn’t help. This is where I started to really trust God, this is where I sat and cried hours with Him over dreams I had, plans I had. I came to the point that I gave them all to Him, and I made it my choice to find joy in Him. Nehemiah 7:10 “The joy of the Lord is your strength.” This is the verse I quote daily, hourly and minutely also Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

I came to the end of myself, all my emotions I just gave to God. I gave Him every care, every dream and desire in my heart. I begged Him to forgive me for forgetting Him and how much He love me, I asked Him to forgive me for being selfish and not being completely focused on Him. I asked Him to be my everything, that I want His plans for my life not my own. I asked for Him to give me the strength to face this and to not be defeated by it, I asked for His strength and grace because I knew I couldn’t do it on my own.

I have spent the last thirteen days writing in my journal three things I am thankful for, I have been reading about peace and joy and gradually I can say with God help I am no longer sick and tired. I have peace, joy and strength to face everything that is coming my way. I realised that I can not do everything on my own and that sometime I need to be open and honest with the people around me about what is going on. I have had a clean bill of health form the doctor and I am still continuing to fast because I need to focus my Spirit again. I am so thankful that God never left me and helped me to get through this, I have realised how important it is to thank God for all that He is doing and providing for me. I realised that even when I felt like I was on my own He was right next to me, waiting for me to reach for Him, He was crying with me and longed for me to reach for Him. I am so thankful that God loves me and has forgiven all my past mistakes and that He is patiently teaching me how to walk this life with Him. God bless.

4 responses to “Sick and tired.”

  1. My darling daughter that was a heart felt piece you wrote. Proverbs 3 v5 trust in the lord with all your heart. If you follow this you won’t go far wrong, step out in faith my daughter I love you to the moon and back xxxxxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 1 Sweet sacrament divine,
    Hid in thine earthly home;
    Lo! Round thy lowly shrine,
    With suppliant hearts we come;
    Jesus, to thee our voice we raise,
    In songs of love and heartfelt praise
    Sweet sacrament divine (2)
    2. Sweet sacrament of peace,
    Dear home of every heart,
    Where restless yearnings cease,
    And sorrows all depart.
    There in thine ear, all trustfully,
    We tell our tale of misery,
    Sweet sacrament of peace (2)
    3. Sweet sacrament of rest,
    Ark from the ocean’s roar,
    Within thy shelter blest,
    Soon may we reach the shore;
    Save us, for still the tempest raves,
    Save, lest we think beneath the waves;
    Sweet sacrament of rest (2)
    4. Sweet sacrament divine,
    Earth’s light and jubilee,
    In thy far depths doth shine,
    Thy God head’s majesty:
    Sweet light, so shine on us, we pray
    That earthly joys may fade away:
    Sweet sacrament divine (2)
    The last hymn in church today Emma, my favourite.
    You may be across the ocean, but not out of people’s hearts and minds. When I turned 30, some 37 years ago now, I got the blues badly, but my love of soul music and its artists’ connections to the blues and gospel music, helped me through. Plus, my family and friends. The lyrics of a few hundred songs are inscribed into my memory, so soothing in times of loneliness. Now looking up at 70, I care not of age, for life is a great experience, a roller coaster ride, because having ups and downs’ is quite normal. I’m lucky, I’ve had a great life, worked hard, but met some fabulous people along the way, you are treasured amongst them.
    Young people today, face a fierce World, of greed, competition and a growing lack of trust and compassion. However; all is not lost, some people still hang onto their Christian values, and that will always be the case. Thus; finding a trusting soulmate, is not a lost cause. Serendipity, a word which kindly engrosses happy discoveries, should always be in your vocabulary. Happiness does come along, just like a bus, you may wait a while but it always turns up.
    I recall back in 1971 aged 20 listening to Marvin Gaye’s, “What’s Going On?” album for the first time. The Motown bosses forbid a top Soul singer, using lyrics about inequality, racism, war, want, need and much more. His songs sold millions of copies, World Wide, they still do.
    “What’s Going On?” first verse.
    Mother, mother
    There’s too many of you crying
    Brother, brother, brother
    There’s far too many of you dying
    You know we’ve got to find a way
    To bring some lovin’ here today, eheh
    “Right On!” Third & Fourth verses.
    Some of us were born with money to spend
    Some of us were born for races to win
    Some of us are aware that it’s good for us to care
    Some of us feel the icy wind of poverty blowin’ in the air
    For those of us who simply like to socialize
    For those of us who tend the sick
    And heed the people’s cries
    Let me say to you, right on.
    “Save The Children!”
    just want to ask a question
    Who really cares?
    To save a world in despair
    Who really cares?
    There`ll come a time, when the world won`t be singin`
    Flowers won`t grow, bells won`t be ringin`
    Who really cares?
    Who`s willing to try to save a world
    That`s destined to die
    When I look at the world it fills me with sorrow
    Little children today are really gonna suffer tomorrow
    Oh what a shame, such a bad way to live
    All who is to blame, we can`t stop livin`
    Live, live for life
    But let live everybody
    Live life for the children
    Oh, for the children
    You see, let`s save the children
    Let`s save all the children
    Save the babies, save the babies
    If you wanna love, you got to save the babies
    All of the children
    But who really cares
    Who`s willing to try
    Yes, to save a world
    Yea, save our sweet world
    Save a world that is destined to die
    Oh, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
    Oh, oh dig it everybody
    Many people over the last century have sacrificed a part of their lives to a cause, which is impossible for an individual to solve, with the greatest intentions. I guess that hit me when I reached my 40s, but my favourite singer of all time, Otis Redding, gave me inspiration has a 17-year-old, 50 years on he still does.
    “A Change is Going to Come!” Otis Redding. Verses 1,2 & 3
    I was born by a river in this little old tent
    Oh just like this river I’ve been running ever since
    It’s been a long, long time coming
    But I know, but I know a change is gotta come
    Oh yes it is
    On my!
    It’s been too hard living, oh my
    And I’m afraid to die
    I don’t know what’s up there
    Beyond the clouds
    It’s been a long long time coming
    But I know, but I know a change is gotta come
    Oh yes it is
    On my!
    When you are so young Emma; life can be full of conundrums and perplexities, a labyrinth of mind curling muddles, that happens, because you care, too few people of your age; go to depths you have and never will. So, your uniqueness is special, you can always walk away, and help in another way. The choice is yours, with the help of God, but remember how young you are and the opportunities to seek new horizons. God bless, your family and friends will see you through. Amen.


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