It all started when I turned 32. I had a great day with my Indonesian family, I spoke to my family in England and everything was good. Well until doubts started to creep into my mind about being 32 and not having a family of my own, being single and just being alone. I was physically never alone because I was surrounded by my family here in Indonesia, but to see them all with there family wasn’t making these feeling any better, in fact it was making it worse.
I was very depressed and I questioned if I was doing the right thing being here in Indonesia, if what I heard from God was true. This lead to me spending my day working in the ministry and sleeping straight after, I felt physically and emotional drained. I had a headache that would not go away, it lasted for about two weeks and I just felt like I was on auto pilot. I still read the bible, prayed and worshiped but my heart wasn’t searching for God. I was in the middle of a pity party.
I spoke with a wise friend who always gives me great advice because they know me and I trust there opinion. He sent me some amazing advice which helped me to engage my faith. I explained to him that I felt like I had shifted my focus from coming to God because I love Him, to now coming to Him begging for things to change in my life. He shared a lot about his past struggles and I took his advice to heart. I want to thank you Phil for being an amazing friend and Spiritual Father who guides and teaches me through my walk with God. I am truly thankful for you and your family I thank God everyday for your friendship.
I found a quite place before God and cried over everything that was happening, my feelings, my dreams and the emptiness I felt inside. I asked Him to forgive me because I was coming to Him to get my dreams, for all the things my heart longed for. I wasn’t seeking His face. I lost connection to my Heavenly Father, I forgot to worship Him because of who He is and not what I want. I forgot to spend time with Him just because I love Him. I forgot Matthew 6:33 “Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.”
I still had the headache and was exhausted even though I was back to seeking God so I went to the doctors and had a blood test and they found out I had high cholesterol, which is something I have never had. It knocked me off my feet! I then was given medicine to help to lower the cholesterol. I then decided to fast and pray because I just didn’t like that my body and emotions where all over the place. I spoke with God and decided to do the Daniel fast until I actually reconnected with Him.
I didn’t tell anyone I was sick in England and that I felt like I was walking in a black fog, this was something I needed to deal with on my own. I know that I was bordering the edge of depression and feeling alone didn’t help. This is where I started to really trust God, this is where I sat and cried hours with Him over dreams I had, plans I had. I came to the point that I gave them all to Him, and I made it my choice to find joy in Him. Nehemiah 7:10 “The joy of the Lord is your strength.” This is the verse I quote daily, hourly and minutely also Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
I came to the end of myself, all my emotions I just gave to God. I gave Him every care, every dream and desire in my heart. I begged Him to forgive me for forgetting Him and how much He love me, I asked Him to forgive me for being selfish and not being completely focused on Him. I asked Him to be my everything, that I want His plans for my life not my own. I asked for Him to give me the strength to face this and to not be defeated by it, I asked for His strength and grace because I knew I couldn’t do it on my own.
I have spent the last thirteen days writing in my journal three things I am thankful for, I have been reading about peace and joy and gradually I can say with God help I am no longer sick and tired. I have peace, joy and strength to face everything that is coming my way. I realised that I can not do everything on my own and that sometime I need to be open and honest with the people around me about what is going on. I have had a clean bill of health form the doctor and I am still continuing to fast because I need to focus my Spirit again. I am so thankful that God never left me and helped me to get through this, I have realised how important it is to thank God for all that He is doing and providing for me. I realised that even when I felt like I was on my own He was right next to me, waiting for me to reach for Him, He was crying with me and longed for me to reach for Him. I am so thankful that God loves me and has forgiven all my past mistakes and that He is patiently teaching me how to walk this life with Him. God bless.