True forgiveness is hard!

Last night I couldn’t sleep, I tossed and turn with my mind working on things of the past. God was speaking to me, I had not truly forgiven some people from my past, now I really believed I had. I truly believed in my heart that everything that had happened was dealt with and I’d freed myself from this and was walking in forgiveness.

What actually changed my mind was lying in bed last night, out of nowhere came these thoughts that I used to have, I actually felt weighted down by it. I heard and remembered every insult and snide comment. I remembered feeling unworthy, unlovable and insignificant. I remembered the abuse that followed, the felling like my body wasn’t even my own, that I had no control over anything. 

I lost my identity and this is how I lived for twelve years, I never seemed to be free. One Sunday morning in April 2014 I encountered Jesus and was born again. This one encounter changed my whole life and started the process of forgiving the people who had hurt me over the years. I reached a point where I believed I had forgiven them and I was free. 

Last night God showed me that I still hold onto some of the past and that I’ve kept some walls up. That up until this point I wasn’t ready to deal with these hurts and the thoughts in my head. 

I find it hard to look people in the eye, especially men; I can’t even remember when this started to happen. I might appear confident and friendly but I still try to avoid meeting people eye to eye. That’s about to change, God’s brought this to my attention and with His help I know I can change.

I find making choices a problem, I know this sound weird but I struggle to make choices because for years I had no choice. I now as a default I go with what I’ve had or experienced before, follow the crowd or copy someone else. I even let most, if not all my friends make the plans and I just follow, this is something with their help I will change. 

I also have this little voice in my head that repeats to me some of the lies told to me for years and it stops me from stepping forward, to believe that this is possible and believing that I’m not good enough, that everything is my fault. It’s hard to believe that you are loveable when the people who are meant to love you cause you so much hurt and pain. This is going to be the hardest for me to change because I always seem to have this voice in the back of my head! But I believe that renewing my mind in the promises of God and speaking to myself what I am in God will help me to overcome this. I refuse to believe these lies any longer!

How is it easier to write your feelings and keep them to yourself, than share them with someone? I’m normally a very private person and only share what I want to share. I’ve got very good at putting a smile on my face and letting very few people in and revealing the real me. I don’t want to hide any more, I don’t want to lie, and I don’t want to be bound by the past I want to be free. I want to have friends and people who I can be myself with and who know me, that will understand the past and help me get through it. This is why I’m so thankful for the friends I do have who have listened to me over the last five years who have seen the tears, hurts and downright emotions mess that is me when I finally open up. 

I’m not ready to talk about everything that happened in the past but I will not let it define me a minute longer! I will not stand by and let it have a foothold in my future! God loves me and I survived a time where I wanted to die nearly every day because every breath was hard work. I know what it’s like to reach the end of yourself and just hate yourself so much you cant even look in the mirror and I refuse to let that be the thing that’s in the back of my head! 

I want to encourage any of you who have been in this situation to not give up! I want to encourage you to fix your eyes on Jesus and to piece by piece give your heart to Him because He loves you so much. Jesus knows about your pain, He knows what it’s like to be unloved, bruised and beaten. He will help you move from the past to the future, I’m not quite there yet but with His help I will be. God bless.