You know when you just can’t seem to shift the flunk/downward spiral that you’ve been in; it seems weeks since you even caught a break. This has been my life and I can’t seem to shake this fog that dampening my mind. It’s been making my everyday life hard and unless you really know me you wouldn’t even notice because I’m good at hiding my emotions and pretending everything is great. I’m one of these people that crack out the war paint and make myself up so no one notices on the inside I’m breaking down, just about keeping my head above water and trying not to let depression get a grip again.
For years I’ve suppressed my emotions and never worked through them, I very rarely cry in front of people and over the last few weeks I’ve done more than the last 20 year put together. This is not something I’m happy about, this is something that’s making me realise that I need to forgive again and actually forgive myself! This makes me realise that inside I’m carrying this emotion that is chocking me and just holding me hostage. It’s gotten to the point where I actually can’t remember the last time I laughed and felt free! I can’t seem to get past the emptiness that making every breath hard, where I’m fighting not to give in to the thoughts that held me for years in a destructive cycle of self-harm.
What caused all this! Well, when something from your past comes back that you thought you’d dealt with and drawn a line under but you hadn’t. It has a way of coming back into your life full force, knocking you completely out of sorts and just shaking everything you worked hard to forget. Where your deepest fears come back to the surface and you’re dealing with the part of your heart that you wanted to keep under lock and key because it’s too painful. That this is where your insecurities and trust issues are buried. Where your most venerable part of your lives and you really don’t want to deal with it again because last time you only just managed to survive.
This is my life at the moment, I can’t share any of the personal details but let’s just say I’m dealing with a lot of old issues, emotions and insecurities from my early twenties. Things I had buried so deep even I forgot they were there! That I have not shared with anyone and I wanted to keep it that way because I was scared that if they saw this part of my heart they would reject me, that they would see that I wasn’t worthy of their time and I would be left alone again.
How do you even start the process of healing from this when the person you look at in the mirror is someone you thought you’d left dead and buried in your twenties. That you had finally realised that you are a new creation in the Lord and you had finally started to love yourself again! How do you stop the war that’s going on in your head and heart between what you know is the truth and what you used to believe was true. How do you process all these emotions when for the last decade or two you’ve managed to suppress your emotions!
I can’t tell you the quick answer because I don’t have one. What I can tell you though is it won’t be found on Netflix, movies, books or even games it will be found in your quiet time with God. It won’t be a quick fix, it will take months if not years to change these thoughts but I know it will happen. It’s a day by day process and it’s painful, it’s exhausting and someday you wonder how you’re going to find the strength but guess what “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13 and “Let the weak say, ‘I am strong.” Joel 3:10
I know that when my strength and trust comes from God I can get through the day. I have to replace the thoughts in my head with His truth and remember that I am who my Father in heaven says I am, not what the world, my head or heart says I am. I’m not there yet and this is just the beginning of this season because I still have to deal with the thing from my past and then also have to deal with my response to it. But, I will not be beaten on this and I will find my way through this valley because I know that this is another thing that needs to be healed and dealt with. That this is something that will help me reach newer freedom and revelation of God’s love for me.
I want to finish this with thanks to my sister Claire who always listens and never complains, she’s seen me at my worst and still loves me and she cheers me on from the sidelines only like a sister could. I also want to thank Bev because she sees me for coffee every week and listens to me and understands how my head works. She is the one who will kick my butt when I need it and also encourage me to press deeper, without this lady I don’t know where I would be. She is my best friend and I know I can say anything to her and I won’t be judged or condemned, I will be loved and cared for. I know if it wasn’t for these two people I would have found it hard to craw out of this hole, I’m standing now because of there support and friendship. They have my respect and love for keeping me going.
I want to encourage you if you can relate to these words, to keep pressing in to God, to keep reading your bible and to spend time in prayer with Him. My own prayer time at the moment evolves a lot of tears and declarations of who God says I am. I want to encourage you that it might be hard today but it will get easier, try and find people you can talk to and who will be there no matter what time you call. I want you also to remember that God said He would never leave you and that He will be your strength. God bless you.