You won’t get to see the tears I cry!

I’ve never been on of those people that like crying, I certainly never like to do it round people and the idea of someone seeing me cry isn’t something I enjoy. I also like to keep a lot of my emotion bottled up and never really show anyone what’s going on inside. I’m one of these people that the whole world could be falling apart and unless you knew the real me you would think she has it all together and life is going well! I’m extremely good at faking happy and well put together because that what the world wants and no body wants to know that life is hard and you’re barely coping.

Well at this moment life has been going all different directions, my emotions haven’t known what to do and I’ve spent a lot of night worried and crying. I come across as someone who can take a joke and humours comment but a continual stream of humours jabs can make anyone feel bruised, hurt and just deflated! Well this is my life at the moment, I have been the joke at events, and I have been judged over thoughts, actions, and food choices plus lots of negative comments. I have felt that everything I do isn’t good enough and that has made me wonder what’s the point! Why do I even bother when all I ever do is my best! I have had days where I struggle to get out of bed and just the thought of talking to people has made me feel sick! That the idea of being the joke and hearing the snide comments just makes me what to run and hide away from the world. All the time and effort I put into things isn’t ever good enough because the one thing I forget or don’t do is the one thing that mentioned not all the good work or effort put in!

I’ve been in bed crying because of this treatment and you know what these people wouldn’t even know that they have caused this. They wouldn’t even know that I’m scared to talk to them because I just feel like a punching bag and my heart can’t take it anymore! That I have been pushing people away because I’ve taken everything said personally, that after years, months and weeks of criticism, the I love you or you’re a blessing would cover this pain! Cover this hurt! Well it won’t! 

After panic attacks, crying fits and thoughts of self harm my heart hurts! I am in the process of forgiving them and then correcting their behaviour because I can’t feel like this and no one should ever be made to feel less than they are! I’ve been getting rid of people and things that cause me to feel like this and I’m starting to turn a corner. I’m starting to feel alive again and I have peace because I’m getting rid of the toxic things around me. I’m starting to feel free and I feel the joy over life again. I’m starting to put my health and wellbeing first above pleasing people and running around trying to be good enough.

I’m starting to feel like my self again where I actually can look in the mirror and take a joke. I have spent a lot of time talking with God and reflecting on what causes me to feel like this and then after much prayer I’ve dealt with it. I’ve come off social media, deleted numbers from my phone and started to distance myself from people that hurt me.  I’ve started a course that helps with low mood and anxiety because that’s what I need to deal with these thoughts and feelings. I have two close friends a Mom and daughter that have helped me thought this last six months and without Bev or Emily just listening and sharing wisdom I don’t know where I would be. There friendship is important to me and I love them both dearly, they aren’t offended when I don’t text back or talk to them in a while. They are there and I know I can call them no matter what they are my best friends and I’m extremely blessed to have them!

I’ve also met someone who has changed my life and has supported me through this, they have seen the tears and heard my fears. He has stood by me through a few panic attacks and even given me some coping mechanisms to practice when I’m in the middle of them. I thank God for him and I’m truly blessed to have him by my side, he has helped me to see myself in a new light and because of him I am learning to love myself. I am learning that it’s ok to share your heart with someone and that God answers prayers.

I want to encourage you to remember that you are worth being treated right and nothing should make you feel worthless! I also want to remind you that someone can look happy and cheerful on the outside but on the inside they can be breaking, why don’t we encourage one another instead of tearing people down! If you can’t say something that will bless or encourage someone then don’t say anything at all because you never know what that person is dealing with! 

I want you to remember that you are loved and that God loves you and no matter how you feel about yourself God doesn’t make poor workmanship! He made you and designed you so you are perfect and He has great things in store for you so keep your eyes fixed on Him and He will get you through it because when we are weak He is strong. God bless you!