The last month hasn’t been easy. I’ve lost an uncle who funeral it is today and I’m still in Papua, Indonesia. In my heart I’m there with my family as they bury my Uncle. I’ve wept with them as they have dealt with this sudden loss.
I like most people had an idea in my heart how I wanted my future to look. I would have a family, be married and have at least one child. I would have a certain job earning a certain amount of money and living in a certain house. I wanted to have the life I had pictured in my heart. I kept asking and praying for this to happen and it hasn’t happened yet.
It all started when I turned 32. I had a great day with my Indonesian family, I spoke to my family in England and everything was good. Well until doubts started to creep into my mind about being 32 and not having a family of my own, being single and just being alone. I was physically never alone because I was surrounded by my family here in Indonesia, but to see them all with there family wasn’t making these feeling any better, in fact it was making it worse.
“It is only as we see His holiness, His absolute purity and moral hatred of sin, that we will be gripped by the awfulness of sin against the Holy God.” The Pursuit of Holiness – Jerry Bridges.
We have all loved someone and had the butterflies that goes with it. Also a lot of us, if not all of us have been hurt by someone so deep that you hate them, yourself and the darkness that is in your soul. The one piece you wish you had not given away to them and that part that is now is so bruised that you don’t know if you can ever trust anyone again.
The last few weeks have been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. Over the last few weeks I’ve been looking at faith and fear, how they affect me and maybe a lot of you reading this. I’m one of those people who would rather deal with the regrets of doing something than the regret of not doing it. I want to picture myself old and grey thinking of all the adventures I’ve taken and not the adventures I’ve missed. I know that there will be times when I wished I hadn’t done somethings but as long as I use Godly wisdom I pray the list isn’t to long.
I apologise that I haven’t written anything over the last few months, I’ve come home early and had quite a lot of things to deal with. I landed in England on Thursday 25th January and on Sunday 28th January I had the privilege to see my Nan return to the Lord.
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