I’m one of these people that the whole world could be falling apart and unless you knew the real me you would think she has it all together and life is going well! I’m extremely good at faking happy and well put together because that what the world wants and no body wants to know that life is hard and you’re barely coping.
It’s gotten to the point where I actually can’t remember the last time I laughed and felt free! I can’t seem to get past the emptiness that making every breath hard.
I had to understand that for twenty-eight years I had lived by the world standards and I had sown those seed in my mind and emotions. They were dug deep into my soul, which is where your will and emotions all stem from
I always wanted to be wanted and found my identity in people, I believed the lies that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough and that no one would want me if they met the real me.
I have witnessed over the past few years more people coming into the church with broken hearts, with deep anguish in their hearts and spirits. I was one of those people and hopefully one day I will be able to share my testimony.
It all started when I turned 32. I had a great day with my Indonesian family, I spoke to my family in England and everything was good. Well until doubts started to creep into my mind about being 32 and not having a family of my own, being single and just being alone. I was physically never alone because I was surrounded by my family here in Indonesia, but to see them all with there family wasn’t making these feeling any better, in fact it was making it worse.